KirkWatch: I AM FREE

Welcome back to KirkWatch. This is part two of a one-part series in which we track the free-agency derby for Hall Of Fame money-accruer Kirk Cousins.

It happened. After months (years?) of speculation, the Minnesota Vikings are letting QB Kirk Cousins walk to the Atlanta Falcons, for what his agent announced was a four-year deal. It’s probably not four years. It’s like two guaranteed, plus some weird void-year shit. We can sort all of that out later. What’s more important here is that I AM FUCKING FREE. My team is utterly bereft at QB and will probably field a combo special of Sam Darnold and a dipshit rookie in 2024, and guess what?

I. Don’t. Give. A. Fuck.

It’s over. No more Kirk Derangement Syndrome. No more cheering for the most swagger-free quarterback to ever walk the face of the Earth. No more “He just needs the right supporting cast!” or “Look at how good his numbers are when you blitz him on second-and-4!” No more defending the indefensible. Kirk is with the Falcons now, which means you’ll never hear from him again, and you’ll never again have to hear me alternate between hating him and grudgingly appreciating him. That’s all over. I am gonna strip down to nothing and frolic in a wading pool filled with baby oil.

I don’t care if the Vikings are about to get lapped by the fucking Bears(!!!) or that Jordan Love will be gifted the title of Duchess of Cambridge after Kate Middleton’s body is found or that the Lions have crossed the Kneecap Rubicon and come out on the other side a respectable franchise. I don’t care about any of that. I only care that this is over. Six years. One playoff victory. They’d have been better off spending that man’s salary on NFTs.

But now Kirk is in football prison and the rest of my life begins TODAY. I have nothing else coherent to add to this post, so allow me to talk like a crazy person for a second …

FREEEEEEEEEEEDOM!

I CRAVE MOAR PENIX!

KWESI DA GAWD!

I THINK I JUST HERSHEY SQUIRTED!

SHINE SWEET FREEDOM
SHINE YOUR LIGHT ON ME
YOU ARE THE MAGIC
YOU’RE RIGHT WHERE I WANNA BE
OH SWEET FREEDOM CARRY ME ALONG
WE’LL KEEP THE SPIRIT ALIVE ON AND ON
OH-OH-OH

IKSDFG;OIOI;JAGE’OJIRWALSRGJaweroijmwre

PgojW3RGP

OJwrg\

P[ow3grK\[OP4EGK,

P4RHMKGOH

K[PQHETA

[KPRGWE

[PKwrgk

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[KPAWERGSDAGFLJSDFGJFDGLDRGJDRGK!!!!

This blog is over!

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