A Fan’s Guide To Opening Day Cope

Half the teams in Major League Baseball fulfilled their Opening Day brief, which means their fans can continue their dreamy dreams of this being “their year,” however they define it. The other half, though, are forced today to recalibrate their world views downward as the first reality of baseball—that everyone eats it a lot—arrived at the first opportunity.

This, then, is for those 13 Opening Day losers, teams that now need to alter their inspirational slogans. (This does not include the four teams whose new mottos are “What Do You Mean I Have To Check My Umbrella?”)

CHICAGO CUBS (4-3 loser in 10 innings at Texas)

“I Thought We Were Going To Do Something About Adbert Alzolay.”

CHICAGO WHITE SOX (1-0 loser to Detroit)

“But They Were Three Loud Singles.”

COLORADO ROCKIES (16-2 loser at Arizona)

“Here’s Your Dynamic Pricing—You Pay For One Third Inning, But You Get Four.”

HOUSTON ASTROS (5-4 loser to the Yankees)

“Oh You’re Probably Loving This, Aren’t You? You Think We Deserve This, Don’t You?”

KANSAS CITY ROYALS (4-1 loser to Minnesota)

“This One Was Closer Than It Looks, But It Was Also Duller.”

LOS ANGELES ANGELS (11-3 loser at Baltimore)

“We’re Back On Mike Trout Because We Have To Be.”

MIAMI MARLINS (6-5 loser to Pittsburgh in 12 innings)

“If You Squint Hard, Jake Burger Is Austin Riley.”

OAKLAND ATHLETICS (8-0 loser to Cleveland)

“Come For The Parking Lot, Miss Nothing.”

ST. LOUIS CARDINALS (7-1 loser at Los Angeles)

“Focus On The Jersey Front . . . Look At The Pretty Birds.”

SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS (6-4 loser at San Diego)

“Only 72 More Losses Until 49ers Opening Day.”

SEATTLE MARINERS (6-4 loser to Boston)

“A Decade Of Jerry Dipoto? Seems Like A Century.”

TAMPA BAY RAYS (8-2 loser to Toronto)

“$88 Million Comes With Higher Expectations.”

WASHINGTON NATIONALS (8-2 loser at Cincinnati)

“Honestly Our Expectations Were Not Much Higher Than This.”


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