Everyone Pay Attention To My Beautiful Fast Son

As a mother of sons (the Philadelphia Phillies), I love my children very much. Even when they are not performing their best, I love them. Sometimes, they make mistakes. Sometimes your sons are very sleepy and they cannot hit, or they are very distracted and they try to bare-hand a ground ball and whiff it entirely. But lately, my sons are easy to love. Even my worst most terrible son (Alec Bohm) hit many home runs on Friday.

But my most beautiful son, my little angel, is doing so well. I beg you, please, pay attention to my fast son Trea Turner. He is so fast. He is so good.

I knew when my beautiful fast son Trea Turner returned from his study abroad program on the West coast that he would make me proud. Did I doubt him a little bit last year? Yes, but I have professed already that I am profoundly regretful of that. I was wrong to doubt him. He is my beautiful fast son, and I love him very much.

I hope this will not jinx him, but he is on a hot streak. The streak is endless so far. Every base he wants, he takes, and no one ever catches him. No one has caught him since September of 2022. That was like a hundred years ago! Not once has he been caught in his beautiful Phillies uniform. Today was no exception.

Earlier in today’s game, Bryce Harper got caught on his way to second base in a little run-down. The White Sox thought they had him. But they forgot about Trea Turner! My beautiful son was on third base and off he went. Vroom vroom! He stole home!!! (Then Harper also took second but that’s not what we are focused on right now.)

With that steal, Turner has 40 consecutive stolen bases! 40!!!! This streak puts him past Jimmy Rollins in the all-time records and tied with Tim Raines’s streak with the Chicago White Sox from 1993–95. It is also now the longest consecutive stealing streak since Ichiro Suzuki stole 45 in 2006–07. The current absolute record for consecutive steals is Vince Coleman’s 1988 record of 50.

My beautiful fast son!! Look at him go!!! Pay attention to him. If you can, that is. He’s so fast I can barely see him!

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